While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
