I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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