we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
