Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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