What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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