You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
