According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You don't make any sense
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