We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
