how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's blow job season.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
