I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
