So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
