Yo dont text me then not text me
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
