I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
