Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Pants are for mortals
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
