Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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