Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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