So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
MIDGETS
????
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
