New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
