Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
