Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
