It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
