OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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