the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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