:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Green mimosas i think yes
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I deserve this hangover.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
