I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I will pee on everything he values.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
