you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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