sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
