I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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