Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
