Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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