I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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