i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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