her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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