my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
