I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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