u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
