Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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