He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
