last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
