yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
