final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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