if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
