Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
