My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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