Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
