I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
