We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
