Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
