I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
