did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
