Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He felt like a one man threesome
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
