The maid of honor just puked.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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